With Great Power Comes Great Responsibility

When "Twilight" came out last year, I let it come and go without comment (on this blog at least). Yes, it was terrible, and I could have had a lot of fun tearing it apart. However, I decided the best course of action was to ignore it. I figured if I didn't acknowledge it then it might disappear, and I'd never have to think about it again. Well, I was as wrong as the U.S. was when trying to ignore World War II. Now the sequel, "New Moon," is out and breaking box office records. Much like how Spider-man let the thief go who went on to kill Uncle Ben, I have seen that my passivity has yielded dreadful results. So, it's time to do my job.

"New Moon" begins with Bella having a nightmare that she'll grow old while Edward will remain eternally youthful. Of course she's worried about that. After all, we men only care about looks. And let's face it ladies, with all of the make-up and cosmetic surgery available, you have no reason not to look perfect. I mean, living a fulfilling and happy life with somebody you love only matters as long as you look good doing it, right?

So, the next day is Bella's birthday and her dream has her freaking out about her future. She talks to Edward about this and tries to get him to change her into a vampire. Edward, being a man, can't deal with her feelings and breaks up with her. He tells her it's for her own good, but clearly he's just a scoundrel who can't deal with the responsibility and commitment that a relationship takes. Of course, very few of us men can. Bella reasonably responds to the break-up by ending her life.

I don't mean she kills herself, but she apparently spends months doing nothing but staring out her window into the rain and trees. Killing herself comes later. See, she can't live without a man and figures out that every time she enters a dangerous situation she sees Edward. So, in order to feel complete she needs to be with Edward, and the only way to do that is to straddle death....That sounds fair. I mean, women can't have meaning without men, so it makes sense that her choices are to be with Edward or die. Just try to name one strong, independent woman.

But as the narrative progresses, Bella kind of begins a relationship with Jacob, the friendly neighborhood werewolf. Regular guys clearly have nothing to offer this woman. However, even though Jacob was there for her after Edward bailed on her, he isn't good enough for her. See, Jacob isn't white, so he's automatically inferior to the ubermensch known as Edward. So, Bella uses Jacob as a replacement until she can be with her pale man again.

This temporary relationship between Bella and Jacob is a little rocky, though. See, Jacob soon starts brushing Bella off and avoiding her. Again, here's Bella being tossed aside by a man. Clearly she's left with only one choice of action: grovel for an explanation. After confronting Jacob, she realizes that he's been hanging out with the other non-whites and that's why he hasn't been calling her. Hasn't she ever heard the phrase "Bros before hos?" I guess not because she goes up to his buddies and slaps one of them in the face. The accosted man, being less civilized than his lighter skinned counterparts, snaps and tries to eat her (turns out he's a werewolf, too). Jacob saves her for one reason or another and the movie goes on. Yay.

Since the incident, Bella and Jacob reignited their pseudo-relationship and were doing pretty well until Alice (Edward's..."sister") returned. In one of the clearest displays of racism I've seen in any film, Alice kicks Jacob out of the house so she and Bella can talk. Then things happen and the story goes to Italy and...it's not worth it. I'm skipping to the end.

Edward returns and vows never to leave Bella again. Knowing a good thing when she sees it, Bella takes Edward back and tosses Jacob aside. It was really the smart decision looking at the long term. I mean, Edward can get a better, higher paying job based on his skin color alone. And that's ignoring the fact that the Cullen family are obviously a part of the elite whereas Jacob and his family are blue-collar workers. And the film ends with something so trite and obnoxious that I won't repeat here for fear of tainting my blog. Just think of the most stereotypical ending you can, and you probably got it.

This movie was appalling. It was sexist. It was racist. And, really, it was just bad film making. The fact that girls across the country are looking up to Bella as some sort of role model scares me. She takes the passivity of Disney princesses and combines it with every whiny, emotional teen stereotype you could imagine. I mean, she may even be worse role model than Hannah Montana. But the country spoke last weekend and screamed for more. I can't wait to see what the next movie brings.